Rhianne Lightfoot

NEW BLOG!!

2011-09-03T22:10:00.000-07:00

AND website. I'm going to keep this blog around but I won't be using it anymore.
Keep in touch with me via facebook and be sure to check out the new blog and site!

And one last picture for this blog.. from Ava's Tea Party 2011.

Announcement!

2011-08-26T20:41:00.001-07:00

It's clear that I haven't been using this blog, and I don't know how often I will be using it. I'll still post as many sessions as I can, but if you want to constantly be updated with my photography be sure to 'like' my photography page. I'm very active on it!
I post some of my favorites on my flickr rarely too. Check it out!
Until next time... here's a bit of cuteness. Elizabeth wasn't a very sleepy newborn, but who wouldn't want to see her big curious blue eyes anyway? This little angel is alert, alive, and awake!

Perfection ♥

2011-08-16T13:26:00.000-07:00

I still haven't gotten around to posting her maternity session, but yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting her beautiful baby girl, and I couldn't wait to share a sneak peak. Miss K is so precious, there's no denying that.

Quiet Moments

2011-08-14T00:16:00.000-07:00

And with a three year old, there aren't many of them. But it seems to me, when they're getting on your last nerve, they put on a cute little hat and grab a cute stuffed penguin and look at you with big blue eyes and say "take a picture of me?" And it's not just that they are ready to pose, its that those rare quiet moments reflect their soul. And I'm honored to capture Mr.T's soul. God has done some amazing work to that little boy.

Over the Moon ♥

2011-08-04T11:23:00.000-07:00

I went into my first ever maternity session with hopes of capturing great photos that really show the love that mom and dad and big sister have for the expected new addition. I'll be honest, I set the stakes too high for myself and expected more out of myself. But looking back on the pictures I remembered I was an amateur photographer, and despite that the pictures were still great. It showed raw emotion that exceeded my expectations. I was hoping to see that love for the new baby and not only did I see that, but I saw this passion and such a strong love between mom and dad and Alana, the big sister. It was pure bliss. It was a lighthearted session with lots of laughs and smiles; and more than anything it reassured me that being a lifestyle photographer is exactly what my calling in life is. To capture the simple things. The grinning teeth, the big laughs, the quiet moments for cuddling. With that being said, I am so proud of this family for never giving up their dream to have a family, I'm proud of myself for doing a great job and I am over the moon excited to meet the baby girl in a few weeks. :)

Impressed.

2011-07-13T23:54:00.000-07:00

Things didn't go perfect at my first maternity sessions. (They were together, both sisters are pregnant and have the same due date!) The photos were great, after a while that is. My camera started acting up and I had to use a back up for most of the shoot. I walked away from the session slightly disappointed, only because my camera was usually so great. But lately it had been acting strange. I had a dream that night about getting a great new camera but was so sure it wouldn't happen. And now, suddenly, two days later I have this AMAZING canon T2i camera at my side and I'm so ecstatic. Not only am I impressed at myself for deciding to take the risk and spend every last penny of mine, get on my hands and knees and scrub baseboards in condos, and babysit for hours, I'm also completely impressed by just how amazing this camera is. I took a few test shots in the bathroom tonight. Who know that place could look so... impressive.

Princess ♥

2011-07-12T23:27:00.000-07:00

is the perfect definition of sweet little Savannah. I had the perfect session with her as the sun was going down; and luckily, she was opposite to the sun. She was shy at first, but as the sun went down her personality began to shine. These pictures of this sassy little princess speak for themselves- and just like Savannah, they are precious to me.

June 2011

2011-07-06T15:49:00.000-07:00

Taking a quick break from editing to blog about the past month, which has been extremely stressful. That's all I can say about last month is that it was full of stress, for personal reasons and because of school finals. But despite of all the stress I know I have a lot to look forward to :)

Highlights of the Month:
- School ending
- Calaway Park
- The Weather

Song of the Month:
Goodbye my Lover- James Blunt

Goals:
- Clean room and closet
- Get new clothes
- Do an awesome job at my first and second maternity shoots
- HAVE FUNNN! And be happy.

Although I took these photos just yesterday, I can't help but to share this adorable one of Miss S :)

Camping with Shelby

2011-06-25T15:36:00.000-07:00

Shelby is such an amazing girl. Whenever I see her we do something amazing, like go on a Caribbean cruise or go camping. While we were camping last month we had a quick photo shoot to show off just how beautiful she really is.

Alyssa: 17 Years

2011-06-18T14:41:00.000-07:00

1. My sister is great at improve
2. She also makes a decent velociraptor.
3. She somehow manages to be gorgeous while doing it.

Gabrielle: Spring

2011-06-09T21:59:00.000-07:00

Just as the snow began to (finally) melt, a beautiful girl, my camera, and I went down to the forest close to home. She leaves me speechless, she does. Her beauty, inside and out, is impossible not to see.

May 2011

2011-06-06T15:54:00.000-07:00

May was simple, just like every other month of the year has been so far. This isn't 2009 anymore, I'm not going through a tough time. And this isn't 2010, where I'm finding happiness again. I've found my comfort zone and I'm completely content. There hasn't been much sadness or much stress (minus finals) and not much is happening. I'll admit, I'm nowhere near as happy as I know I can be, but I'll never feel that happiness again and I completely accept that. This month, more than anything, has been a month of getting things done. I'm almost caught up with editing and I've got a good head start on studying for finals. However, I haven't been taking pictures as often. I'm not saying I don't love photography anymore, I do, I'm just a lot more picky about amateur photos vs. professional looking ones. And I've been more focused on finishing my editing. That being said, I don't have a picture of the month this month.

Highlights of the Month:
- Getting a few nice dresses
- Having a clean room

Song of the Month:
Arms- Christina Perri

Goals:
STUDY!!!

Like I said, I don't have a picture of the month this month, but I can't have a naked post, so here's a little sneak peak of whats to come..

Growing Up

2011-05-29T22:11:00.000-07:00

I can't see Charlie as anything other than that six year old boy who used to annoy me and pretend to shoot me with his toy guns. I never used to want anything to do with him. And then he was eight, and I fell in love with how funny he was and how cute he was... or, maybe it was just revenge ;) Suddenly, I was the one chasing him around, camera in hand, and he ran away from me every time. In the two years I've been taking pictures, I've never gotten one decent one of him. He's handsome as heck, but the boy just loves to run.
And now he's eleven. And he's mature. And he talks about girls. It's hard to take. He's always been my little Charchar. But, the plus side? He lets me take pictures of him. For two minutes, anyway.

Carribean (part two)

2011-05-21T11:42:00.000-07:00

Here are the rest of the pictures from the cruise!

And one I love of Teejay..

Laughter

2011-05-14T15:34:00.000-07:00

Playing around with my editing tools today :)
Love this picture, and this girl.

Precious to Me

2011-05-11T20:55:00.000-07:00

These photos of Teejay are nothing special, just my favorite little boy playing at the park :) I wouldn't consider these my best photos, but they are precious to me. And I hope that when he's older, he'll be able to look back at these photos and believe that he had a happy childhood. I'm not sure what his life is going to be like in years time, but I know that right now he's happy, and if I have the opportunity to capture happiness- well, that's the most precious thing of all.

The Sun Went Missing.

2011-05-05T17:47:00.000-07:00

Just now, I was editing descriptions for my photos on my flickr, linking them up to the full sessions that I post on here. I came across one photo and searched for its link to the full shoot but I couldn't find it! How did I not post the pretty pictures from this session? I was sure I have. But it turns out my blog has been missing out on a bit of beautiful. Oh well, it's never too late. Here she is!

The Carribean (part 1)

2011-05-04T15:29:00.000-07:00

I can't quite fathom the awesomeness of what was the cruise. I can't believe I was scared the night we set sail. I'm not scared of the ocean anymore. Not at all. It was just way to fun to be scared, and it was unlike any other fun I'd ever had. The cultures were so interesting, and the atmosphere was so upbeat. The friends we made on that ship made me want to stay on the boat rather than go on the islands. Everything about that cruise was amazing, there wasn't a single moment I missed home.

April 2011

2011-05-01T12:06:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. But in my defence, my goal of last month was to relax; so I relaxed! Maybe I relaxed a little too much, but I completed my goal. Last month was relaxing, but this month will be different! It's May, which means its almost summer, which means SO many new photo oppertunities that my blog doesn't know about! This month has been a great month for photography; probably because the snow has melted, and I have the best models. I know I haven't been bloggin much this year, or at all in April, but I've been so busy in the photography department. I still haven't shared any of my vacation pictures, there was an Easter photoshoot, a photoshoot for a beautiful girl, and a few great shots here and there. I still have a lot of editing to do, but I also have a lot of pictures that are ready to be shared! I'm as relaxed as it gets, and this month I'm ready to pick up the pace and start getting things done! And there's a lot of things to get done before summer, which means I have a lot of May goals. So, I'll just say April was relaxing and head straight into May :)

Highlights of the Month:
- The rest of the cruise
- Trying on a bunch of Gabi's clothes
- Booking my FIRST two maternity sessions and FIRST two newborn sessions!
- Michelle and Alyssa getting their drivers license.

Song of the Month:
Lazy Day- Bruno Mars

Goals:
- Blog at least once a week ✔
- Participate in photo challenges. ✔
- Write a lot more.
- Study for finals!✔
- Clean your room AND fishtank✔
- Make blog look springy ✔
- Maybe get my learners.

Because I took so many pictures this month, I had no idea what the photo of the month should be. I don't have a favorite this month, but I have a couple I absolutely adore. This is one of those photos.

March 2011

2011-04-10T11:30:00.000-07:00

Wow, sorry it took so long to write this. My birthday was on the 24th, we left for our Caribbean cruise on the 25th (which was amazing, and I'll post a bunch of pictures soon), and I was really busy with school when I got home. March was like January and February, for the most part. And that was the problem. I was doing the same thing every day. The cruise helped me get away from my normal routine and helped me let loose. I don't think I realized how much stress I was under. But overall, March was really good because I was either really excited about the cruise, or on the cruise. And that cruise was so amazing.

Highlights of the Month:
- The cruise!
- My birthday
- First official photo shoot
- Being asked to have a photo booth at Amanda's wedding :)

Song of the Month:
Marry Me- Train

Goals:
- Just relax. ✔

Another reason it took so long to write this is because I couldn't pick my favorite photo. But I decided to pick this one, because when I go back and think about that day, its this picture I see.

Alana {a dream come true}

2011-03-20T20:27:00.000-07:00

Still basking in the amazing photo shoot for Alana's first birthday. I could go on for hours about this girl, but I'll let her photos do the talking. This is little Alana in all of her sweetness.

First Official Photoshoot ♥

2011-03-08T20:03:00.000-08:00

Friday, March 4th 2011 was a good day. I guess you could say it was a life changing day. The week before my first official photo shoot was full of useless worries and anxious nerves. I couldn't sleep much the night before the shoot, and when I did I had a dream about all the ways it could go wrong. I woke up at 5:30 and spent the next few hours letting the nerves get to me. And then Alana and her mummy walked in the door. And I became completely relaxed. Alana was so adorable, she was smiling all morning long. The pictures weren't perfect, but I'm proud of myself. I love the pictures I took, but then again, who couldn't get adorable pictures of little Alana? She is honestly full of smiles and innocent faces. She is the sweetest girl and the world is so lucky to have her. Here's a little sneak peek at whats to come. :)

February 2010

2011-03-01T15:46:00.000-08:00

I'm going to keep this one short and simple, because that's pretty much exactly what February was. Actually, a lot of February was spent being excited for March. I'm so intent on making this Friday's shoot the best one I've ever done. I'm also so excited for the cruise at the end of the month. I haven't been taking too many pictures, but this month I will, and then the snow will start melting, and the lighting will be so much better. All in all, February was a good month and I know March will be better.

Highlights of the Month:
- Winter retreat
- Being called for my first official photo shoot =)

Song of the Month:
Love the way you lie- Eminem

Goals:
- Take a lot more pictures ✔
- Clean you're room, and please, for once, keep it clean.
- Write regularly, and a lot. ✔

And because February was so simple, so is the picture of the month. I got this tea pot about a week ago. I love it.

Why I haven't been Blogging.

2011-02-23T21:57:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time there was a young girl who loved to take pictures and share them on a blog in hopes to become a professional photographer when she grew up. She showed a lot of pictures, and she did it often, but when the new year came, all that blogging almost completely stopped.
Why?
Because I've set myself high standards. And I think its a good thing. I want to be the best I can be in 2011, with photography, and I only want to share photos with you that are 'professional'... or, almost professional anyway. Yes, it's a good thing I'm pushing myself but now whenever I take pictures I only want to share the ones that look remotely professional. But I'm only fourteen. I'm still learning. I realize that now and I'll share the pictures I take more. Practice makes perfect (and even at perfect theres room for improvement) and I am NOT a professional. Professional is my GOAL. I'm learning, and in order to reach my goal, I have to allow myself to learn and improve.
And I have so much opportunity to learn and improve! (all risky, and quite scary opportunities, but I'm thankful for them) Because IN MARCH-
- I'm going on a Caribbean cruise
- I'm doing my FIRST OFFICIAL PHOTO SHOOT for Alana's first birthday.
And later on THIS YEAR-
- My cousin is getting married, and I can shadow the professional photographer.
- We're getting our family portraits done, and I can shadow her :)
I realized this today, when my CLIENT and I were going over all the details for the photo shoot. One of my favorite photographers did her first official photo shoot when she was seventeen, and she turned out AMAZING. If I'm doing mine at fourteen... who knows where I'll go?
But, in some ways, that's another thing that's keeping me down. I'm fourteen, and so many people my age are becoming interested in photography. I feel like I'm getting lost in the shadows. But I know this is not a phase that so many teenagers go through. Photography found me in one of my darkest times, it called out to me and it helped me. It's a gift from God and I'm not taking that for granted.
So, I will post more. Professional or not. :)

The Middle of Winter :)

2011-02-04T14:52:00.000-08:00

I used to like winter until I started taking pictures. Now that the sun sets at 4:00, the lighting is never right. It's always way to cold to go outside. But sometimes, I can't fight the urge to take pictures. So, Nicole and I trudged out into the knee deep snow, and -20 weather and took these pictures in about five minutes. We raced back home. I can't wait until April.

January 2011

2011-02-02T16:19:00.000-08:00

Hey there. It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm sorry! I have a good reason- January. I don't want to just say "personal problems" but I don't want to go into full detail either, so I'll just say this:
I made a huge mistake this month. A huge one. I've never really regretted anything. Everything I've done wrong, I've learned from. Something good came out of it. But I know that isn't going to happen this time. It's just a mistake I made and an amazing person has to pay for it. Big time. I still love myself, I do, but if my life were based on January 2011 alone- I'd say I hate myself. I can't fix this. There is honestly no way. Still, someone out there is going to have to pay for what should have been my consequences. Sure, I'll learn from this but that isn't worth all the pain I'm putting on this amazing person. Literally nothing else happened this month because my life has completely revolved around this mistake and this person, who I'll call "Gooda" for now. I completely stopped writing, stopped taking pictures, stopped blogging, I even stopped eating because I've been so busy trying to help Gooda. Turns out, I just made things so much worse. I know February is going to be spent desperately trying to fix this mistake.

Highlights of the Month:
- Gooda
- Some good laughs

Song of the Month:
For the Nights I Can't Remember- Hedley
Goals:
-Keep Bedroom clean
-WRITE YOUR FACE OFF!
-Fix your mistake as best as you can. ✔

I didn't take many photos this month, but I LOVED this picture from a photo shoot with Nicole the other day. Plus, a little funny is always good. :)

2010 Photo of the Year- Winner!

2011-01-14T17:22:00.000-08:00

And the winner is...

February!

December 2010

2011-01-01T14:22:00.000-08:00

There honestly isn't much to say about this month. It was good, just like all of 2010 was. Nothing too special happened, but nothing too terrible either. I'm very content with all I have in my life right now. If I did learn one thing this month, it was that everyone has a soul and everyone has feelings. And I guess I always knew that, but this month, I really saw it. The people we all see as bad guys, they have a heart and a soul. And they're just lost. When you hear stories about someone who got shot, you think about the victim and their family; but what about the person who shot the bullet? What about them? They have a heart too. But they're lost. I think learning that has pushed me into twenty eleven with an even bigger urge to help people. This month was happy and full of that Christmas feeling. I think I might miss 2010. But I think 2011 is going to be better. For everyone.

Highlights of the month:
- The Christmas excitement
- Christmas
- Getting my hair dyed
- Christmas break
- Just being with friends

Song of the month:
Firework-Katy Perry

Goals:
- Do one good thing, every day. ✔
- Keep bedroom clean.
- Catch up on writing

The picture of the month was a pretty easy choice. I think it fits the New Year theme too, because it represents time. This is the last picture of the month for 2010, so let the voting begin!

2010 Photo of the Year- Voting

2011-01-01T02:29:00.000-08:00

Each month, in 2010, I'd pick out my favorite/best picture(s) of the month. Now I'm putting them all together, having friends, family, and YOU to vote for my best photo of the year. There's a pole on the right hand side of my blog. Chose your favorite, and vote! Thank you :)
January:

February:

March:

&

April:

May:

June:

July:

August:

September:

October:

November:

December:

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T11:18:00.001-08:00

And happy birthday to our saviour :)

Because I miss the Sunshine...

2010-12-12T16:39:00.000-08:00

I thought I should post pictures from her session back in September.
It was nothing less than wonderful, really. From the sunshine, to the lake, to the model, it was all so lovely.

Scavenger Hunt Sunday!

2010-12-05T18:48:00.001-08:00

I've always wanted to participate in a weekly Scavenger Hunt, but I never got around to it. But last week I decided I WOULD participate, and let me tell you, it was fun! I love the photos I took :)
In my Home:

In my home there is a piano, which I could never play; but sometimes when my sister isn't playing it, I take pictures of it.
It's beginning to look a lot like:

Christmas! :)
Sweet Treat:

Yesterday, my friends and I decorated ginger bread houses. They don't taste very good, but they were so fun to make!
Time:

I used to hate this clock; it ticks so loud to the point where I can hear its ticking in my dreams at night. After taking a few nice pictures of it, I'm partial to it. :)
Everyday:

Everyday, Tucker is sleeping. That's probably because Tucker is all tuckered out from staying up all night, meowing at me and running around the house. But that's alright. He's adorable :)

November 2010

2010-12-01T15:57:00.000-08:00

This month did not go as planned. Not that I really planned it, but it was unexpected. I knew I was becoming more upset about Pippin, but I had absolutely no idea how much pain I was still going through. This month, I realized that the missing is not gone- in fact, its nowhere near. All month, it felt like there was one thing, one really big thing that I needed to learn. If that one thing fell into place, I'd be okay. But I didn't know what that one thing was. I still don't. I've talked to God a lot this month, I've talked to myself a lot, too. The hard part is that I don't know what comes next. I don't know where I'm going, or why I need to go to wherever it is I'm headed too. I'm so used to knowing. I was learning so much this time last year, and now I'm stuck. This pain is manageable. When I write and take pictures, everything seems okay. I can control the pain. I can distract myself. If theres one thing I learned this month, its that I'll always have writing and photography. Nobody can take that away. That's mine. It's here, and its under my control. And I can be free to love it as much as I want. Speaking of love, Tucker has been everything to me. He's like my baby, and I love him with all my heart. I just get worried, a lot. Because he's not under my control. His brother's life wasn't under my control, and Pippin isn't under my control. Theres this constant worry in the back of my mind that something bad is going to happen to him, but I pray to God that it wont. Overall, I have a good feeling that he's here to stay. Just like my writing. Just like my photography. It's here. That being said, I`M SO EXCITED FOR DECEMBER!!!!! It`s the best month ever. :)

Highlights of the Month:
- Peyton and Lucas *might* be coming back to One Tree Hill! Yes!
- Hanging out with Petra and Hanna.
- Ron Weasly ♥
- Harry Potter Marathons.
- Stronger hope for Alana.

Song of the Month:
Wherever I Go- Hannah Montana.

Goals:
- Just go with the flow. ✔
- Watch more HARRY POTTER! (and one tree hill) ✔
- Write more, PLEASE! ✔
- Get good pictures of the cats under the Christmas Tree. ✔
- Get awesome presents for family and friends. ✔

The Picture of the Month isn't really like the other ones. I was just playing around with editing tools when I edited this picture. I'm sure it isn't a picture that would be every ones first choice, but I really love this one.

I heart Challenges.

2010-11-30T15:46:00.000-08:00

The Alphabet Challenge: L
L is for Las Vegas!

SIMPLICITY- Summer
(I'm already excited for next summer)

The Paper Mama- Black and white.

I heart faces; Black and white scenic
and The Moments in Between- Landscape

Shutter Love Tuesday- Thankful.
So thankful that Alana might be able to become a permanent part of the family!

Alyssa- November.

2010-11-26T16:29:00.000-08:00

An older sister is a friend and defender -
a listener, conspirator, a counsellor and a sharer of delights.
and sorrows too.
Pam Brown

Time.

2010-11-18T19:53:00.001-08:00

It just always seems to play tricks on us. We've had Tucker for a month today, but it feels like we've had him forever. Maybe its because he wakes me up in the middle of the night like a real baby, and I spend hours with him each day. Whatever it is, I'm amazed that we've only had him for a month. I want to write more about him, because I didnt write about Garfield very much and we had some really awesome times that I should have written about. So, heres a little list of the things Tucker has been up to in the past month:
- He fights with JP. A lot. And it gets pretty annoying.
- He jumped the fence once, but got scared and sat in the neighbors yard until we came to get him.
- He sleeps on the cat house the other cats don't sleep on. He sleeps on the top of the round thing, and the very top in the little dip.
- He also likes to be under my bed, on my bed, on the top of the stairs, and on the blanket in the hallway.
- He scratches on the door when he wants in or out. (he scratches on my door in the middle of the night)
- Him and Rosie like to chase each other.
- He stands on two feet and holds onto my jeans when he wants a treat. ITS SO CUTE.
So far, so good. Until I'm a real mom in fifteen years or so, Tucker is my baby. :)

An Aray of Challenges.

2010-11-09T15:13:00.000-08:00

Simplicity's eyes, & A Sorta Fairytale's windows to the soul.

TMMAPC- Light
(I know I've used this photo for a challenge before, but it just fits so perfectly)

Raw(e) Little
Cute little Cadence :)

The moments in Between- Look up

Shutter Love Tuesday- Brown
Beautiful brown eyes :)

Fall Fever ♥

2010-11-06T18:22:00.000-07:00

The reason I love being the photographer so much- because every once in a while, you don't see the pretty face, or nice clothes, or creative angles and poses. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, the soul shines through the photo. And I'm honored to have captured something so beautiful.
Nicole is a lot more complicated than the eye can see. She's endured a lot. More than anyone would have ever expected. She keeps her vulnerability hidden. She keeps herself busy. She dances for hours on end, seven days a week. She pours herself into her school work. So its no wonder we barley ever see each other. But when we do, she shows that she's vulnerable. Her soul is always shining through. And what a beautiful soul it is.
This 'session' held so many laughs, and a handful of unforgettable memories. And believe me, when I was the model, I meant every smile. And I can only hope that she meant all of her smiles. She needs more of those in her life.

October 2010

2010-11-03T18:22:00.000-07:00

October was an equal balance of good and bad. I guess I should look on the bright side, after all, it was better than October 2009. A lot better. In fact, I'm pretty happy. I am happy. I'm just happy for the wrong reasons. I find things that will distract me from realizing that Pippin is gone. At night I go to bed and just repeat over and over "You have Pippin, you have Pippin." Until I convince myself that I have it. I fall asleep believing my own lies, and every morning I have to face the death of Pippin all over again. But, still, I'd rather do that then realize that it is really dead and gone.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not fighting for Pippin because I know that would hurt other people. I don't think I'm going to get it back, because I'm not. I just like to make believe that its there. After all, everyone is so happy without Pippin. I'm the only one that has to suffer for it. But all the happy years I had Pippin are worth a life time of missing. I wouldn't take Pippin back for all the pain in the world.
I guess that would be considered the 'bad' part of October. The good part is that this month, I've found myself thinking about other people a lot more. My desire to help people has become so much stronger, and there's really no reason for it at all. Suddenly, I just want other people to be as happy as possible. Maybe that's because I know I can't be.
I watch what I say to people now, I smile at people and say Good Morning. I put myself in their shoes, and when I see someone I instantly think of their best traits. I look for the best in people, rather than the worst. I finally put my "Make Kids with Cancer happy" plan into action. I filled out some paperwork, had an interview, and this month I'm starting to volunteer at the hospital every week. I want people to have the happiness I had with Pippin. I had my chance at happiness, and now its time to give back. For God. For them. For me. All in memory of Pippin.
If it hadn't been for Pippin, I wouldn't be where I am now. In fact, I'd be nowhere near.

Highlights of the Month:
- Getting Tucker :)
- Signing up to Volunteer.
- My Photo shoot with Nicole.
- Alyssa's Haunted House

Goals:
- Do lots of writing.
- Have a good laugh. ✔
- Do your weekly workouts with Hanna. WEEKLY. ✔

This picture of the month was a hard one. I took so many amazing ones of Nicole a few days ago (I'll post a bunch of pictures soon) But I have to say, this one is my favorite. It's simple, yes. But this one looks the most professional. A lot of photographers take pictures similar to this one. Plus, its just a stunning portrait of Nicole.

Happy Halloween!

2010-10-31T12:08:00.000-07:00

Kind of creepy, isn't she?
And on a cuter note...

Challenge me!! :)

2010-10-27T17:56:00.000-07:00

First, Paper heart Camera's show and tell.
Show:

Tell:
Behind my grandma's house there is an open field with perfect climbing trees, standing side by side in a straight line. I've been climbing them for as long as I can remember!
This weeks theme over at The Paper Mama is black and white. When Katherine and went camping a few weeks back, she made hearts on the beach, and I took pictures!

The Moments in Between's theme is SMILE :) Nicole's smile was anything but forced in this picture. We were laughing and smiling all day long.

Lastly, this weeks letter from The Alphabet Challenge is G!
G is for Guitar!

"Future Famous Photographer"

2010-10-22T20:12:00.001-07:00

Back in the beginning of 2009, I would have never thought my love for photography would go this far. But photography and I have sure come a long way.. I mean, we went from this:

To this:

in a year, and I have to give myself props for that. Although I'm still so far away from where I want to be, at least I can notice my mistakes. There are many things I haven't mastered, but I have mastered at least one thing. The love for it. I want to do it, its my dream. I have a love for faces, for children, for cameras and editing. And when someone likes a photo I've taken, or gives me some constructive criticism... well, that's the best part of all of it. And that's what inspired this post. Two weeks ago I went to a wedding and took a few pictures here and there. The bride sent me a message, and loved my photo and wanted to use it as her thank you cards! We got the card today, and right there on the front of the envelope is my picture; and it says "Photo by Rhianne Lightfoot- Future Famous Photographer" For that, I couldn't be any more grateful.

Time for a Challenge.

2010-10-21T16:42:00.000-07:00

This weeks theme over at Photo Freak is bath time!

And Simplicity's challenge is SOOC :)

Last but not least, this weeks challenge over at The Paper Mama is Fall! Laying in the leaves in the fall makes for the best pictures.

Thats all for today :)

Welcome Home,Tucker! ♥

2010-10-18T20:15:00.000-07:00

A lot changed the day Garfield died.
Like any death, the day he died was the day the grief began. And living in a world with grief is different than living in a world without it.
A lot stayed the same the day Garfield died.
My friends and family were at my side whenever I needed it. They proved that they loved me, and that they'd always be there.
The day Garfield died, there was one thing I knew.
I would get another cat one day. I wasn't looking forward to that day, not right away. I just knew that someday Garfield would send me a cat; as a gift, so that I could always have a part of him with me. That cat would be proof that Garfield was once here. And proof that Garfield's spirit still lives on.
In the middle of September, as we were driving to my Grandma's house, we passed a cat sitting in the middle of the highway. We stopped the car. I approached it thinking, this is the cat. This is Garfield's gift to me. But I got too close, and the cat ran away. We never saw it again. That cat, as beautiful as it was, was not my gift from Garfield.
About a week or so later, I found out that The Edmonton Humane Society was hosting a "free orange and torbi cat day" My mom, sister, and I all thought it was 'fate.' Garfield was orange, and Rosie is a torbi. We thought Garfield might be sending us a sign, and we had to go get a cat on that day. So, last Wednesday, we went to the Humane Society. Well, over a hundred people were waiting in a long line up outside the doors to the Humane Society. The minute the doors opened, people swarmed the cats and grabbed the paper work. After ten minutes, there was probably one or two cats left in the entire place. We walked out of there, disappointed, upset, and catless. That was not a sign from Garfield.
Anyway, I was promised we'd go back to the Humane Society today. I had been praying to Garfield, writing him letters, asking him to send me that little piece of him; and make it obvious that whatever cat he wanted me to get, I'd know which one was from you. I needed a sign. My sister had gone on the Humane Society's website and found a three year old tabby cat, a lot like Garfield. He had just been put up for adoption that day. She said it was a sign. Garfield knew we were coming today, and he put that cat there for us. If we had gone before today, he wouldn't have been there. If we had gone after today, he could have been adopted from someone else. I didn't think it was a sign. But then we got to the Humane Society. And there was "Frank N Kitty" sitting in the first window of the entire place. He was all alone. And he stared us right in the eyes. I didn't want to fall into his trap. I didn't want to settle for him just because he looked somewhat like Garfield. I looked at all the other cats, and felt something for almost every cat there. But whenever I saw someone else petting that Frank N Kitty, I got jealous. And angry. And I wanted him. And then I went back in that room to pet him, and I was content. He looked right at the camera when I took pictures, he purred, and he posed. But that's not how I knew he was the one. He looked familiar. And it was nothing to do with him being an orange tabby cat, and its nothing to do with his and Garfield's similar attitude- its almost like part of Garfield was in him. Part of Garfield, anyway. He isn't Garfield. They are two completely different souls with two completely different personalities. But theres something about him, and I'm not too sure what, that is Garfield. Maybe its the way he stares at you, maybe its that motherly feeling I have for him, and maybe its just because he's orange. Whatever it is, I love him just the way he is. And don't worry, we changed his name. Frank N Kitty just... didn't suit him. Tucker did. Welcome home, Tucker :)
The grief still isn't over. Maybe it never will be. I'll always miss Garfield, and I'll always keep a part of him with me. Tucker is not replacing Garfield. He is not a replacement. He is a gift. I have two son cats, one who's in Heaven, and one who's in my bedroom sitting on the window sill. I love both of my sons very much, and I'm so thankful for both of them- whether they are with me or not. I'm lucky to have ever met them, and theres a reason Garfield is only here in spirit. And I trust God that He knows best. He knows what he's doing. Theres a reason I have both of these cats in my life. And theres a reason one of them is in my arms, and the other is in the arms of God.

Footprints in the Sand

2010-10-17T11:13:00.000-07:00

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there were one set of footprints. This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord, "You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, would you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied.

"The times you have seen only one set of footprints, is when I carried you."

Random #4

2010-10-12T15:16:00.000-07:00

This weeks letter for the ABC photo challenge is F.
F is for Fruit!

The theme "Babies" is the best theme! Thank you, Shutter love Tuesday! :)

(For those who have prayed for baby Alana, thank you. She will be going with her father in a few days, which is very sad because Alana has been with my cousin since she was three weeks old; and she thinks that my cousins are her mummy and daddy. The father has been to rehab, but only reached minimum requirements for her. This is very unfair, but God has a reason for everything; and your prayers meant so much)

The next challenge is Simplicity's challenge; and the theme is lights.

And last but not least, A Sorta Fairytale's Precious Moments. This moment with Kael was so precious, we had just met, but I felt like we were best friends. There isn't anything more precious than a little boys laughter.

That's all for today!

My new Friend ♥

2010-10-07T13:57:00.000-07:00

When Kiana looked at me, she looked back at daddy and said "Is this my new friend?" When daddy said yes, and that we'd be hanging out today- she warmed up right away. "Wanna watch Tarzan!?" She flipped through Dora and other girl things to find it. She ran around the house pretending to be a monster, she jumped on the bed, she painted, she got messy. Little Miss Kiana is anything but girly. (Luckily she was still interested in the tutu) But, oh, she is precious. I loved spending the day with her, and I can't wait to spend even more days with my new friend. :)

Busy Day..

2010-10-04T18:09:00.001-07:00

But not too busy; therefore I still found the time to link up to Monday's Photo Challenges. There are only three photo challenges this week if I'm correct. :)

First is Confusion, from The Paper Mama. I met this little girl for the first time on Saturday, it was her first time with a babysitter around. And she sure was confused as to where her mommy and daddy were!

Next is E, for the Alphabet Challenge!
E is for Elephant!

Last but not least, a new photo challenge from Shutter Bug Sunday- and the theme is down low.

Happy Monday! And lets hope this week goes by fast! I've got a wedding to go to in the mountains this weekend :)

September 2010

2010-10-01T19:10:00.000-07:00

I know deep down that I will get it again. I can do this. i will do this.
This is what I wrote a year ago, about Pippin. It was just two weeks after Pippin "died", and I was so sure that it was going to come back. Part of me still is. Part of me is still telling me to fight- its screaming at me, its making sure I cant hear anything else. Its trying to make me hear one thing, and only one thing- get Pippin back. Find a way to get it back, its all that matters. But then the other part of me, is looking at me with weak eyes saying, "I fought for a year and I failed. I need a rest. Let me rest." That part of me is so exhausted, I'm so exhausted. I've given up. Pippin isn't coming back. I let Pippin go with Garfield the day he died. And September 2010, is now the complete opposite of September 2009. A year ago, I started fighting for Pippin. A year later, I'm giving up. And I hate that I've given up. I thought I was strong. I thought taking those risks would pay off. Everyone says you can if you say you can. But you cant. I'm living proof of that. And I was at points in the past year, where I could have sworn I could. I almost knew I would get Pippin back. I felt so close to Pippin just three months ago. And then everything fell apart. I built a tower so tall that it became un stable, and now its crumbling- falling away. This month, I've been struggling to accept what I've been denying for a year. The one light that shone on me for seven years of my life is gone, the beautiful happiness it gave me disappeared, and the amazing soul who came into my life and took the depression away died. And whether I like it or not, I've found a comfort in the pain. Somehow, the pain became my home.

Highlights of the Month:
-School starting.
- Camping with Katherine.
- Josh's bear hugs for when I'm sad.

Goals:
- Feel closer to Pippin ✔
- Find Odie. ✔

The picture of the month. The minute I took it, I fell in love with it. It was an obvious pick.

Alana Banana!

2010-09-30T19:29:00.001-07:00

Princess Alana was all smiles and silly faces that day :) It was probably because she was getting all the attention that Isabella or Cadence usually get. The twins were fighting over the tiara, and Alana was so happy to have her turn with it on. I was so happy taking pictures of her, they looked like they were all coming out so nicely- but when I uploaded them to the computer I realized that the lighting was all wrong. The photos would have turned out so much better, but I was so caught in the moment it just didn't even matter. Sigh. Oh well. I guess that's what this blog is all about. Making mistakes, and finding away to perfect my photography. Now I know not to make that mistake again! *Note: don't take pictures by Nanny's living room window*

That being said, I love these pictures. They are so, so special in their own way. They are of Alana after all- and every picture of her is special :) And thank you all for praying for her! It means so much to me, to our family, and to her ♥

Fall is Here ♥

2010-09-28T17:58:00.000-07:00

And I'm not looking forward to the next six months of winter- but this, right now, is fine. The trees are so pretty. And so is she.

Monday Photo Challenges

2010-09-27T15:23:00.000-07:00

A Sorta Fairytale- Snoozing.
Its been a month since Mr. Garfield passed away. I miss watching him snooze. I miss his purr. I miss the scars on his ear, I miss giving him treats and bellyrubs, and hugs and kisses.

For Raw(e)- Girly
Princess Alana will be leaving us soon. The prayers didnt help. But I'll continue to pray, anyway. I anyone crosses this blog, please join in the prayers.

The Alphabet Challenge- D
D is for Dog!
We're dog sitting this little guy for the next week.

I Heart Faces- Chalk.

The Paper Mama- a Hint of Color.
A month is a long time. Thirty one days is so long. Seven hundred, forty nine hours and 30 minutes is a long time. But I trust in God that He's giving you all the temptations you want, that he is scratching in between your eyes just how you like it. I know your happy, and I know I'll see you again some day.

If your going through Hell...

2010-09-23T19:31:00.000-07:00

Keep Going.

Have you noticed this month all I've been doing is sharing pictures, and not doing much talking? I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, but I just can't put it in words. A lot has been happening. Not in reality, but in my heart. Emotionally. A lot has changed. I remember now, why I never really wrote about my feelings a year ago when I was depressed. I remember what that feeling is like. I'm not saying that I'm depressed, or that I want to die or anything. But I can say that life has been hard, but I still love it. I don't get what I want anymore, but I used to have everything. Maybe I just need to be more thankful that everything I want now was once there. All of it just died. But I miss Pippin with more than words can describe, and I'm too the point where I pretend its there. I have conversations with myself, pretending that I'm talking to Pippin. I force myself to believe that I have Pippin, and Neppin, but I don't. I fall asleep every night either crying because its not here, or believing my own lies. And I miss Garfield. And that's as simple as that. I don't know what I'm learning from all of this, because I know this pain from losing Pippin- I've learned these lessons, I've been through this all before. This time, in losing Garfield, everything seems a little bit more simple. Maybe its because there is proof that he is gone now, with Pippin, there wasn't. But maybe its just because I know this pain. I've lived this pain for so long. And I'm used to it. That fact in itself is sad. But it seems alright to me. Life is a somber place lately. But I know that somewhere in this place, there is happiness. I just have to find it. Again. And until then, maybe I wont be writing my feelings as much. I have been taking a lot of pictures lately, and taking pictures helps me find some of that happiness that I've lost. At least photography is something nobody can take away.

Random #3

2010-09-20T14:53:00.000-07:00

I think participating in photo challenges on Mondays should be something I do every week! After all, I need to look forward to something on Mondays like today.
This is my entry for Two Moms Make a Photo Challenge- and this weeks challenge is dance. The first thing I thought was Nicole. And then I thought of this day. And then I saw this picture.

Next is I Heart Faces -Smirk. At first I had no idea what photo to enter in the challenge, but then I remembered taking pictures of Danielle back in May.

The first photo I thought of for The Paper Mama's Fingerprint challenge was this one. It's not edited, and it was just a quick shot from the day we got Garfield. But I think its kinda cool ;)

The next photo challenge is Macro Monday. Its just a flower, but its a pretty flower :)

And this one is from The Alphabet Challenge. C is for Cat!

Last but not least, Ashley Jean's first photography contest- and the challenge is anything. Which makes me very happy! I'll have to participate in her challenges every Monday! So, here is one of Kananaskis. I'm already looking forward to next summer!

Happy Monday!

2010-09-17T16:43:00.000-07:00

Random #2

2010-09-13T17:13:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd take the time to do a couple photo challenges... because I've been looking through old photos that I've never shared before, because I want to challenge myself, and simply because I can!
First, its a beautiful life. This weeks challenge is "A litte piece of Heaven." And although we are encouraged to take a new photo for this challenge, the first thing I think of when I think 'little piece of Heaven' is San Diego :)

The next picture I want to share is one of the many photos in The Paper Mama's challenge for this week- Brown. This is the last picture I ever took of Rudy, and although it isnt the best photo I have of him, this one is the one that means the most. And, of course, he was brown and fluffy :)

Two Moms Made a Photo Challenge -fave shot. Its a wide topic. I had no idea what my favorite photo was. But considering how much I love Garfield, my favorite picture had to be of him. And from there it was simple.

And finally, this weeks letter on The Alphabet Shoot Challenge is B.
B is for Beaches!

Gee, I love photo challenges on a Monday Evening...

Bitter Sweet.

2010-09-07T21:37:00.000-07:00

Is the word that best describes my life right now.
And I'm okay with that :)

Random #1

2010-09-04T19:07:00.000-07:00

Two Moms make a Photo Challenge- Pets.

The Wishful Lamb- Baby Love.

Life obviously has been hard lately, but Im trying to make my way through it. I've always been interested in Photo Challenges, and I'm finally going to participate in them now that I'm not busy taking care of Garfield.
If anyone reads this post, please visit my Garfields website here.
it hurts to write a post that isnt about Garf, but when people light a candle for Garfield on his website, I always feel so much better.

August 2010

2010-09-04T12:27:00.000-07:00

So many things happened in August that I should be going on and on about, but I'm not going too. A few really important things happened, but I dont want to share them. August was all about Grief. And moving on. Most of the month was easy, I can tell you that. I knew I was moving on. I knew I was getting over Pippin. I knew I was finally about to let it go. On August 27th, I let it go with Garfield. I want Garfield to have all the happiness he can, and Pippin made me so happy. I am a little bit comforted in the fact that my two favorites are up in Heaven together. But when Garfield went, and when I let go of Pippin- I also realized I'm not getting Neppin. I'm not getting the happiness that felt SO close two months ago. There is no way. I'm not fighting anymore. This month, and many months after, I'm just going to let myself be sad. Maybe thats what I need right now. I've been fighting too long. All I need now, is my family and friends at my side. And I'm sure I'll always have that.

Highlights of the Month:
- Being with Garfield.
- Camp.

Goals:
- Smile more often. ✔

The picture of the month wasnt taken in August. But it is everyones favorite picture of Garfield.

Funeral.

2010-09-02T16:35:00.000-07:00

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world
which I find myself walking around in the day and falling in at night.
I miss you like hell.

I wanted to write this blog post talking about how one day I would see Garfield again. I want to say that he's with God, and I'm comforted by that. I want to say that I miss my baby, but I'm amazed and overwhelmed by all the sweet people who have said such sweet words to me. I wanted to write this blog post and be "positive" about the situation. But I cant. Because although all of those things are true, I just miss him. I miss him like hell and I want him back. He was mine. Everyone else has something, someone. But I dont. I did when I have Pippin. When Pippin was taken away, I found Garfield. He gave me that happiness. I'm his mommy. It just doesnt seem fair that he was taken away. He was mine. Everything that I try to protect, everything I love in that motherly way, everything that makes me that happy dies. And I'm angry.
Everyone else still has something. They miss Garfield too, but they havent lost everything that was theirs. Its only me. I lose everything. I understand there are things I need to learn in life, and I love God and trust him, but why does he have to "test" me by taking away my cat? I prayed to him EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, and said "you can do whatever you want to me, as long as I have Garf." Why did He do that to me? Please, God, tell me why. Either that, or wake me up from this night mare
{After denial comes anger}

My Son, Garfield.

2010-08-27T23:10:00.000-07:00

Garfield Lightfoot
January 29th 2007- August 27th 2010

I’m going to write out all the memories we have together, before I start to forget them, because I’m scared I’m going to forget them. But I thought I should write about you’re last day today because I know I’m going to block it out of my mind afterward. But I have to remember. Garfield, yesterday you were doing great. The vet actually said you were ‘smokin’ you just had a TINY little fever. But you were doing awesome. You were pretty stressed, though. We took you to the Meadow Brooke vet to get more syringes for you. And you peed on me on the way there… I still haven’t told anyone. I didn’t want anyone to get mad at you, or worry about you. I know how you like to pee when your stressed. Then we took you to pet smart. We got you two REALLY cute shirts to hide the tube going into your stomach, cause that thing is GROSS. When we were walking out of the store, I said “if he still has this by Halloween, we should get him a costume!” It made me pretty excited for Halloween… but only because *I thought* you’d be there. When we were at the checkout line, you were wearing your shirt and a chubby little boy was behind us and said to his mom “Awe, I wonder if they just bought that shirt.” I turned around and said “yeah, we did” He asked if he could pet you. I think you liked him. I smiled at him before we left the store. I was really happy. I was planning on taking a bunch of pictures of you in your new attire, and starting a collection of clothes for you… I thought that maybe next week, you could wear your fish outfit… and then came 7:00pm. You puked. A lot. And you didn’t stop. You puked until it was just a white foam- because there was nothing else inside you. And then you hid in the basement, crouched on the cement floor. Then we came up to my room, where you sleep. I put you on my bed, but not too long after you hid under it. Then you went to the closet. You laid on a pair of my shorts. I pet you for a while and you were breathing funny. I woke up my mom and we took a good look at you. But then you calmed down. We put you on my bed, but then you hid underneath. About twenty minutes later, I started hearing wheezing noises, and I brought my mom back in. You were getting worse, so we decided to take you to the emergency vet. I think that’s when I started to know. But I wasn’t focused on that. All I could think was “Garfield, its okay, its okay…” At 12:45am, we got to the vet. I remember driving there. I thought my mom was going really fast, but she wasn’t, not really. The roads were wet. We were getting all the green lights. I thought luck was on our side. You were so tired, you slept the whole way there. You love car rides. Which is awesome for a cat. I thought, “when I get my drivers license, I’m going to take you on drives. Just me and you, Garf.” I never did tell you that was my plan. When we got to the vet, the lady was just finishing up with another patient. It was a lady with a cute little puppy who had swallowed some rocks. When they left, the vet came to us. She was young and had blonde hair. The room reminded me of a laundry mat. There was a place for the desk in the right corner, and chairs along the wall. There was a TV behind the desk hanging from the ceiling. The show that was playing must have been from the 70’s or something. You wailed when we got in there. Really loudly. And then suddenly you stopped. And you were fine. And they couldn’t see anything wrong with you, except that you had a fever. So they gave us some medication. We asked for an x ray to make sure your tube hadn’t come out. But your tube wasn’t the kinds they were used to dealing with. Everything LOOKED normal, but they didn’t know FOR SURE. Then they gave you a needle for medication. You’re so good with needles. You stay so calm, and still. They said to you, “You’re a sweet kitty. Why can’t all cats be like you?” Then they told us they hope not to hear from us again. We hoped so too. And so we took you home. On the way home we got a lot of red lights. My mom ran through one. There was an ambulance driving around. It didn’t have it’s lights on, it was just driving. There were two men in there. At a stop light, one of them looked at me. I asked my mom what they were doing, my mom said she didn’t know. They were supposed to be in their station. and set you, in your carrier, on my bed. You stayed in there for a while, you were tired. And at peace. My mom said goodnight to you. I stayed up for a little while. I pet you on and off. You couldn’t get comfy. I was going to take off your shirt. But Im glad I didn’t. Then you jumped off my bed. I think you tried to go into the litter box, but you couldn’t move that much. You laid by my door. And I thought you might want to go sleep on the big stair in your other bed. But your paw was in the way, and I couldn’t open the door. You couldn’t even get up to go out. But you purred whenever I was near you. Then we went to bed. I woke up at 8:30 because my mom was feeding you. She said he had an appointment at 11, but I didn’t need to come. I was really tired. But then at 10:30 she woke me again. And told me I should come, because if the tube is out, she doesn’t want to put you through this again. She doesn’t want you to suffer, and that we might have to put you down. I went to the hallway and saw you laying by my parents room. You were laying right where I was standing the day I saw Grammy. I lay down next to you, and pet you. You were wheezing again. I knew then. I just knew. There was no way. You were going. I put on pants, and I tried to put you in your carrier but it hurt you too much. So my mom did. I kept it open so I could pet you. I brought you downstairs. Rosie and Sammy were looking at you. Sammy sniffed your carrier. You were falling asleep. You were dying. The car ride was quiet. You were on my lap the whole time. I pet you the whole time. All I was thinking was “Its okay, its okay…” the whole time we were driving there. Except at one point I thought “I just don’t want to have an empty carrier on the car ride home.” We were going the long way. I thought my parents were going the long way so I could have more time with you. I’m glad I got that time. They took you in right away at the vet. We waited in the exam room for a while. We pet you. We loved you. And I told you “It’s okay… its okay…” You kept wheezing. But I think you were trying to say you loved us too. The vet came in. He took you out of your carrier, but kept the bottom of the carrier, the soft part, underneath you. He looked at you. “wow.” You went downhill really fast. You were ‘smokin’ yesterday. The vet was stuttering. We knew he was going to get o the point but my mom just cut to the chase “we don’t wan’t him to suffer.” The vet started saying, “I know. We could try… but there isn’t much we can do.” And why try? At this point, you wanted to go. You were looking at me saying “mommy, it hurts. Help me.” And baby boy, that’s the only way I could help. The vet started telling me some of the things that could happen, your eyes will stay open, you might make a noise. But you wont be in pain. I said, “it’s okay.. its okay.” Then looked at you and repeated it over and over. You were looking me right in the eyes. But you were blurring. My tears were in the way. Then he took you away, to go shave part of you to find veins. He kept you on that warm, brown, blanket thing. My mom was bawling. She said, “I’m sorry, I cant be strong for you.” And I said, fairly dry eyed, “its okay… its okay.” My dad was talking a bit and crying a bit and I said “I know. Its okay.” .A lady came in. I picked out a white box for your ashes to go in. I don’t know why I thought it, I feel kind of bad for thinking it, but I thought “This will match my room. Hey Garf?” It felt like I was asking you for permission. And you let me. The vet came back, and told us he had to do it in his front paws, because the blood in your veins was so colorless and… dead. I said “Can I still pet him?” My voice sounded a lot braver, stronger, than I thought it would. He said I could. I sat down and pet you. You stared at me the whole time. The WHOLE time. We looked into each others eyes. I could see my reflection in your eyes. You could see your reflection in my eyes. I just know you could. I know for a second, it wasn’t an owner and a cat, it was a mommy and a son. And nothing else mattered. For a second, it didn’t matter that you were about to die. Nothing mattered but me and you. We were two souls. We were happy. We were together. And then he put the needle in you. But you kept looking at me. I said “It’s okay.. its okay…” my mom said, “go to sleep Garfield” but then you turned your head. It didn’t work. You wouldn’t go. They got another needle ready. You looked at me. You asked, “Mummy, whats happening?” And I said “Nothing. You’re happy. You’re okay. Its okay. I’m here. Im with you. Its okay.” I saw the needle go in, but in a split second, my eyes were back on you. You said “I love you.” I know you did. I know you did. And then your eyes rolled back a little. Your tongue stuck out. The needle came out. The vet said so quietly, “He’s gone now.” And I kissed you, and pet you, and said “It’s okay… Its okay… I love you, baby. I love you.” And your eyes were still open. You were still looking at me. And we sat in 20 minutes of silence. And it was just me and you. It wasn’t that depressing. It was just me and you. I was so focused on you, only you, that the background was just white. I pet you in between your eyes. You used to purr and close your eyes when I did that. It used to make you fall asleep. But your eyes stayed open that time. Because they couldn’t close. Because you were gone. I kissed you, and said we could go. My mom gave you her six quick kisses like she always did, and she cried a lot. Me and her left. And went to the car. I went home today with an empty carrier. And a heavy heart. But I knew then, and I know now, that I’ll see you again someday. I love you, son.
It’s okay… its okay.

Super Princess. {Part 2} ♥

2010-08-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

{My three year old terrifies me, have I told you that? I found her strolling in the garden yesterday, my pink handbag slung over shoulder, lace doily worn a-la-flying nun. It started to rain so she rushed inside, declaring “Mum. My hair got wet”, like it’s one of the seven deadly sins. I laughed and said “I know..it’s raining” and made the comment “Ava, you’re such a princess”. She spins around, hand on hip and says “Mum! I am NOT a princess”..She starts to walk away and says, completely deadpan “I’m a SUPER PRINCESS”!!!}
-11/16/06-

Ava's Tea Party {Part 1} ♥

2010-08-22T21:46:00.000-07:00

May you always have walls for the winds,
a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire,
laughter to cheer you, those you love near you,
and all your heart might desire.

May the sun shine, all day long,
everything go right, and nothing wrong.
May those you love bring love back to you,
and may all the wishes you wish come true!
-Irish Blessing

When times get tough, its so easy for me to forget everything else that matters. In those moments, all that matters is what I lost. Or what I could lose. In those moments, its all about holding on to whats slipping away. I thought that was called being strong. But its not. After all, the part that takes the most strength is letting go. I never used to cherish everything I had. I just focused on what made me the most happy. But it turns out, there were so many things around me that were just as wonderful. I never saw them. I thought seeing your cats eat food was normal, but now, I'd give anything for my kitty to eat again. I never used to think anything of blasting music in my room for hours on end, but now that the house has to be quiet, I wish I could do that again. I used to think it was normal seeing a little girl walking down the sidewalk holding her mummy's hand. Now, all I can hope for, my biggest wish of all is for Ava to walk down the sidewalk holding her mummy's hand. But I guess we'll have to wait until they meet in Heaven. As for now, we wait here on Earth and celebrate what should have been our super princess' seventh birthday.
Tea. Cupcakes. Friends. Disney Songs. Chit chat. Tiaras. And all things pink.
Just for you, Ava.
Happy Seventh Birthday Super Princess.

70 Percent

2010-08-20T08:49:00.000-07:00

Thats what I'm hanging onto. His 70 percent chance at survival. Im sitting here at home on my laptop, while he's at the hospital getting a tube put in his stomach. Thats our only chance. Why is it, that the good outcome, would be for us to feed him through a tube in his stomach?How is that a good thing? Why is that what we want?

But thats all we can do. If we dont get this surgery, he'll die. Its amazing he's lived the passed two weeks with a 20 percent chance at surviving. I'm just scared. Theres nothing I want more than for him to be okay. I'd give up anything for him to be okay. Anything.

2010-08-19T14:44:00.001-07:00

I could see Garfield dying. Sorry to be blunt, but its true. I could see it happening. I mean, he swallows the food we force into him, and he can still jump, and he isnt puking. But I could still see it. Just because those things seem to happen to me. Pippin was taken away from me. And of course, the ONE thing that makes me as happy as Pippin could die. I remember the day we got Garfield. I remember the feeling he gave me. And I was so overwhelmed, and shocked that he made me feel like that. Its not that he made me as happy as Pippin did, its that I loved him the way I loved Pippin. I felt like a mother to Garfield instantly, in the same way I felt like a mother to Pippin. I had to protect him, and keep him happy, healthy, and safe.
Sigh.
But then I think, God wouldnt let that happen. He wouldnt take Garfield away from me when I already lost Pippin. He wouldnt.

Garfield. I love you.

2010-08-17T23:13:00.000-07:00

My sweet baby boy hasnt been eating for the past week, but I never thought much of it. I thought he had just been stressed because of us always going on vacation in the summer without him. I was worried enough to take him to the vet, hoping they'd tell me that he needed a special kind of food. Instead they told me that Garfield has a fatal liver disease- thats very treatable, but very dangerous. The way they described it is that its when an obese cat suddenly goes anarexic and eats nothing for about 7 days in a row. If he doesnt get his apetite back by Friday he could die. If anyone comes across this blog, you should pray for him :)

This is the first picture I ever took of him. :)

Camp.

2010-08-13T20:45:00.000-07:00

You know those times where you do something, and you get the strangest feeling from it, so at first it comes off as bad because the feeling is so unknown to you.. but then you grow to love it? Thats what camp was all about. The first day was horrible, but as it kept going I became so attached to it in a way I've never been attached to anything before. We meditated, and made crafts for our secret friends, we did purple talk (and brown talk), and I made friends that I will never forget. Thank you Katherine, Hanna, Casey, Taylor, Maddy F, Maddy K, Alyssa, Melissa, Adrienne, Ellen, Angela, Gabi, Sarah, Tristan, Ben, Paul, Father Catfish, Thornq, Darcy, Nemo, Python, Midnight, Star, Otter, Star, Soulstice, and Hummingbird for making this week so special. I cant wait until next year :)

And I'm off.

2010-08-08T12:32:00.000-07:00

Off to a summer camp thats supposed to be really freakin awesome. I'll be back on Friday. Until then, I bid you adieu.
(But I had to post this picture of Tatem before I leave, I really love it)

Little Girl in Bloom ♥

2010-08-07T00:10:00.000-07:00

Julianna loves to be held and cuddled. She loves to grab your face and laugh and play. She's so easy to love. But it is obvious who's the pretty little princess when shes compared to her twin sister- it's Tatem. They always say Tatems the flower, and Julianna's still in bloom. She has four teeth in awkward places, she still has a lot of baby chub, and her face just isnt as beautiful as Tatems yet. One of their friends designed an adorable little shirt for Julianna- "Little Girl in Bloom." And it just suits her so well. Thats what she is. A little girl in bloom.I saw her just two weeks ago, and she was crawling around. When I saw her yesterday, she was walking like there was no tomorrow. Julianna is a beautiful flower in bloom. And I love her.

I'm with Dante on this One ♥

2010-08-05T17:17:00.001-07:00

*yaaawwwn*
I agree buddy boy.. I agree...

The Kananaskis Photoshoot.

2010-08-04T00:23:00.000-07:00

Alyssa, Michelle, Meagan, Hanna, and me. (And even Jess and Molly for a bit) One day was the "straight hair photoshoot" and the next day was "curly hair photoshoot." I've known these girls most of my life, and we truly will be friends forever. And although its babies and kids I love to take pictures of, sometimes its nice just to hang out with my best friends and my camera.

July 2010

2010-08-02T21:03:00.000-07:00

It went by slow, but it went by. And here I am, half way through my summer. So much changed this month. And I guess overall it must be for the best, but at the moment, it's for the worse. My goals for July 2010 were simple- be a good baby sitter, take lots of pictures and have lots of fun in Kananaskis, buy lots of salad, and stay happy. That's what June was all about- happiness. And it seems like July was the opposite. I don't know what went wrong. I thought the goal was so simple. I was getting so much better, I thought it could only go up from there. But it went down. Again. And I just don't understand why. That being said, this month has definitely reminded me how strong I am. But everything I wrote about last month, its changed. The tables have turned. Neppin. That happiness. It feels so far away, when just last month I thought that any day could be that day. I feel like risks don't matter anymore. I feel like no matter how hard I try, this is out of my control. So what do I do now? Pray for a miracle? There is only one thing I wrote about June that I agree with about July. It's amazing how far I've come. Last month I wrote that June felt like a finish line. July feels like a starting line. I feel like I have to start all over.

Highlights of the Month:
- Meeting Elias, Kael, Julianna, Tatem, and Dante.
- Kananaskis.

Goals:
-Enjoy the rest of summer.
-Continue the picture taking ;) ✔
-Just make progress.

Okay, I thought I took some great pictures in May. I thought I took amazing pictures in June. Where does that leave me in July? Some of the pictures I took this some exceeded all my expectations by far. Maybe my happiness isn't getting better, but my pictures sure are. This month's picture has got to be one of Elias. I loved that day with them, and I love a lot of pictures just as much as I love this one- but whenever I look back on that day, its this picture I see in my head.

Thinking.

2010-07-27T19:35:00.000-07:00

Today I'm thinking of Ava's birthday..
and my heart aches for her family.
Today I'm thinking of my baby boy..
could I please just go home?
Today I'm thinking of Yolanda..
oh, what could have been.
Today I'm thinking of Pippin..
i miss, i miss, i miss.
Today I'm thinking of Neppin..
the thoughts hurt too much to bear.

Beautifulness.

2010-07-22T12:37:00.000-07:00

Even after eleven years of camping here, the beautifulness still makes me feel a little more happy. And Teejay even popped by for a visit :) These next two weeks will be golden- actually, the rest of this summer will be golden. There's still so much to look forward too.

But oddly, I've been missing Pippin a lot lately.

Holidays.

2010-07-18T11:14:00.000-07:00

Well I'm off to Kananaskis- the only thing I'll really miss is Garfield. I just had to share some more pictures first. I'll be blogging, but I dont know how often. :)

Meet Super Mamma's Collection.

2010-07-15T17:30:00.000-07:00

Meet Elias.

Meet his twin brother, Kael.

Now meet their little sister, Tatem.

And her twin sister, Julianna.

Now, let me introduce you to these babies' new baby brother- Dante. Born yesterday.

And its not only them. Their mom has nine kids, but the other ones have already moved out. Super Mamma adopted all five of these little beauties, and this summer I get to spend lots of time for them. Elias is mischievous, Kael is a laid back, go with the flow kinda kid, Julianna loves cuddles and attention, and Tatem is a shy little princess. Oh, and baby Dante is just a little pumpkin. I can't wait to spend more time with them, and I cannot wait to share more pictures.

Lightfoot Photography .

2010-07-14T01:16:00.000-07:00

BAM THAT HIT YOU!!
I feel so official. The other day, someone I dont even know sent me a message on facebook and asked me if I was a professional photographer! PROFESSIONAL? You for realz? And now, in the fall, my fam jam and I *thanks to me bugging my mom* are going to get our photos taken with not just ANY professional photographer- one the THE BEST professional photographers out there. Her name is Brandy and her photographer name is Fresh Sugar. Here's just a few reasons why I'm so excited to get pictures done with her.
1) She's a LIFESTYLE photographer! Seriously, there's barely any of those in Canada, and thats what I want to be, so desperatley, when I grow up.
2) Shes an inspiration to me. I really, really want her to talk to me about how I can become a better photographer. Ahem. A Professional Photographer.
3) I spoke to her today. For the first time, in that entire year I've been following her blog, I told her that she was an inspiration to me, and that I want to be like her when I grow up. And she said I made her tear up. Do you know how amazing the feeling is when one of your own hero's is touched by YOU? Its Indescribable.
4) Well.. isnt it obvious? Look how AMAZING that photography is!
Dang, Im really pumped up. Okay, off to bed now. Lord, sometimes I wish I could wake up and be 30. Just so I could have my kids, my published and successful book series, and be a professional photographer.. and common, who could resist Lightfoot Photography? The little drawn feets up there are so cute. :) .. I think the word professional is getting to me, I'm tearing up just thinking about it.
(I think I'll be posting that little logo of mine around my blog more often)

Tempted.

2010-07-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

I got tempted to share the pictures of Teejay.
Garfield, on the other hand, got tempted by temptations.

{sorry if the video doesnt play, I really have no idea how to fix it}

I hope {This is a Bad Dream}

2010-07-07T00:05:00.000-07:00

It was really dark and blurry. My face was stuffed in my pillow; the tears were clouding my eyes. My hands felt moist on the other side of the pillow. The tears were seeping through. What is happening to me?
It's happened so many times before now, I must be immune to it. The despair and pain seems almost emotionless to me now. And for just a minute, which is a minute too long, I wish to be dead. What is happening to me?
I start to see things I shouldnt see. I feel the way I felt in the dark days. Somethings just hit me, but I'm ignoring the pain simply because it hurts to much to face. What is happening to me?
I'm losing hope.

Not anymore. That had to be a bad dream.

June 2010

2010-07-01T17:08:00.000-07:00

And just like that, its over. The worst school year of my life is over. And the feeling I have now, just knowing its over, is amazing. And whats even better is that its summer, and all the stress thats been put on me in June is gone. But, oh, was it ever stressful. I worked hard in June to get everything finished, and I did it. I walked out of those doors proud on the last day of school. Finally, I stood a stand and told Yolanda we should just forgive each other. And that takes strength. And the last day, I realized I was walking past her in the halls without that bad feeling I used to get. I had Katherine by my side. Good God, I've worked so hard to have her by my side again, and now we're inseparable. The only thing left now is Neppin, that happiness that feels so close. It's amazing how far I've come. I truly believe that I'll find that happiness again, and that day could be anyday. Hell, it could be today. It's not so much a waiting game, its a playing game. I still need to take risks, and stay strong. But I know I can. July could be the month. Today could be the day. This month felt like a finish line to me in so many ways. And now Summers here. The depression is gone. And I am happy.

Highlights of the Month:
- Schools out!
- Rhianne and Nicole Day.
- Fig Pudding.
- Passing science ;)

Goals:
- Be a good babysitter. ✔
- Take LOTS of pictures in Kananaskis. (and have lots of fun) ✔
- Buy lots of salad.
- Stay HAPPY.

I thought I took a lot of good pictures in May, didnt I? Well, thats nothing compared to June. I still dont know what the picture of the month should be, I was caught between 5 different pictures. So, it took me forever to choose just one. But it really summarizes the mood of June. Happy. (minus all the stress)

Nicole and Rhianne Day!

2010-06-28T14:20:00.000-07:00

So they're a little delayed, but I sure do love this girl, these pictures, and that day. Nicole is one of my bestest friends, shes so loyal and true. Oh, and not to meantion beautiful. I feel so blessed to have her.

Journey to Neppin- Lesson #5

2010-06-27T20:07:00.000-07:00

{This too, shall pass}
I woke up this morning and it was sunny. Mid afternoon, it was extremely hot. It started to cool in the evening, and suddenly the once clear sky was filled with dreary clouds. It was dark, windy, and worsening. It started to rain, then came the thunder, and then strikes of lightening. Hasnt that been my life in the past year and a half? 2009 started out amazing, it got to its peak of happiness, and then slowly started to cool. I hadent even realized that the clouds were coming in. And suddenly my life was dark, windy, and worsening. I started crying all the time, I was angry all the time, and the strikes of lightening.. I can't even describe how much that stung. Honestly, the storm still hasent passed.
But it will.
Everything passes. When we desperatly want it too, or when we want to live in a moment forever. We dont have a choice. Time passes. Things end. Things begin. I've been to a world where I wished time would stop, and I hoped the moment wouldnt pass- but it did. Time kept going. And after that happiness came pain.
But that too, shall pass.

Welcome to This Day. ♥

2010-06-25T10:37:00.000-07:00

One sunny day + Two pretty outfits + Three gorgeous babies= An amazing day.

I love the three of you to the moon and back.

Procrastination .

2010-06-23T16:07:00.001-07:00

ineedtostudy.
I got through social- barely, but I did. Today I made it through LA.. my mark probably got brought down, but thats okay. Friday I have Math. Which I've been studying SO hard for. The depression that lasted most of the year really killed my grades this year. In March, when I was happier and pulled myself together- I realized how terrible all my marks were. So I focused on math and somehow, I brought it up to 71 in just a few months. And I'm trying hard as hell to get my average up to 80. I just have to do amazing on my exam..
and so I've been studying..
But science is tomorrow and I'm stressed as hell. I have, what? A 52 in science? Katherine tried to help me study.. and it did not go well. I'll post my mark when I find out what it is.. I've never failed a class before. I just cant study. Its impossible. Its like my brain keeps thinking of new things to do- like, eat some pizza, invite Katherine over, play Mario Galaxy, edit a picture, make a blog post! I'll be down on my hands and knees, thanking the lord on Tuesday. Then it will all be over. The studying will be over, the stress will be over, and Thank God, Grade 8 will be over. I've felt like I've been trapped in a cellar all year, with depression, and bitches, and bullies. On Tuesday, I'll be let out of that jail. With my true friends.
OH, speaking of true friends. Rhianne and Nicole day was amazing. Here's a sneak peak.
(I'll post more when I'm done studying..)

Secret: I've been Bullied

2010-06-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

This is pretty much my online journal. Nobody reads it, except for my sister sometimes. So I don’t understand why I feel like I can’t write these things on here. But the honest truth is that I feel like I'm being harassed. No matter how fricken hard I try, Yolanda and Precilla always find some way to get to me. It was hard enough when Yolanda died.. at least, the version of Yolanda who was my best friend, and it was worse when they started swearing at me that one night back in April. And I thought their heartfelt apologies a few days later helped- but it turns out that was the worst thing they did. Because both of them went back on their word for that. I've suffered from depression almost all year, and right when I start to get over it, that happened. And right after things calmed down, and I was getting over them, they decided they just couldn’t let it go. Yes, I did one wrong thing. Yolanda left some things at my house a long, long time ago. and I said she could have them back, and I don’t even know how it happened, but she started swearing at me, calling me psycho, saying they were gunna kill me. So of course, I refused to give her stuff back. And they just couldn’t let it go. AND NOW, they threaten to kill my cat? I love my cat, he's like a baby. You don’t say you’re going to stuff him in the microwave, even its just a joke. I don’t understand what I've done to deserve this crap. I know I made mistakes, but I know when I do wrong, and when I do, I pray for forgiveness. And God forgives my sins. So why have I gone from depressed to being bullied and harassed? I guess I have to go through the worst of the worst to get the best of the best. But I trust God to do what’s right for me. I KNOW I'm a good person, and I know God loves me. And I know that now a lot of girls don’t love me anymore, but I've realized who my true friends are. And a lot of people still love me. Only this time, the right people love me for the right reasons. And I've never loved myself more than I do now. So as far as I'm concerned, they can keep saying mean things to me and harassing me. It will only make me even stronger. And it will bring me closer to the happiness I'm fighting for. I'll hang in there, no matter what they try to do.

Sunshine, Wagons, and Fields

2010-06-14T15:09:00.000-07:00

And everything thats wonderful is what I feel when we're together..
I've had songs stuck in my head all day. Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows is taking its turn replaying in my head over and over... and over... and over.
But I'm happy today. And I've been happy every day lately. And I cant wait until these exams are over, and schools over, and summer begins. The suns out. And Rhianne and Nicole day is soon. And I love these pictures of Teejay.

Happy.

2010-06-12T16:32:00.000-07:00

This day has been great.
Yesterday was awesome.
The day before that was wonderful.
Every single day is amazing.
And I'm getting so close.

Things I'm Excited For..

2010-06-06T13:39:00.000-07:00

1) Summer!
2) June 18th (Rhianne and Nicole Day)
3) Alyssas Sweet Sixteen Photoshoot.
4) Babysitting TWO PAIRS of twins over the summer- two two year old boys, and two one year old girls.
5) Babysitting Hannah and Hailey.
6) Kananaskis.
7) BC
8) Camp Encounter.
9) Ava's 7th birthday.
10) The twins first birthday.

These things dont seem so far away anymore. Im liking June so far. And Im loving my Beasty Boy.

And one of Gracie, because shes cute.

May 2010

2010-06-02T18:19:00.001-07:00

Last year, I wrote a little summary on May 2009. I said it held some of the worst days of my life, and they were the worst days of my life at that point. This year was a lot different. The months are getting better and better. I have days where I cry and I'm scared and I feel like Neppins never going to come. But then I have days where I just know that everythings going to be okay- and I'm so, so happy. And even if I only felt that way a few times this month, I'm feeling it more and more, and the sadness is so worth it. I know what this month was all about. Risks. I've had to take them a lot this month, even if it was for something small. And I have learned so much this month about risk taking. Anything can happen if you take a chance. If you kind of wanna do it, just do it. It always seems to end up good. Just never, ever, ever give up. Never lose hope. Lifes about living to the fullest. But when things get tough, lifes about risks. And if we dont take them, we'll never be able to live to the fullest. I love this life. I love taking risks. I loved May. Thats not something I'd be able to say last year, and I am so, so thankful I can say it now.

Highlights of the Month:
-Band camp
-Getting the kitties
-Seeing Alana
-Parents going to Vegas
-Meeting Mia.

Goals:
-STUDY FOR FINALS!! ✔
-Write, write, write. ✔
-Finish the worst school year ever- and walk out of the doors proud. ✔

Now, I gotta say, May DEFINITLY makes up for not taking an amazing picture in April. I loved so many of the pictures of this month, from the babies, to the cats, to the plants. But of course, her laughing wins.

The Two New Catfoots: Garfield and Rosie ♥

2010-05-30T21:02:00.000-07:00

For my sisters sweet sixteen, we got her a cat. We looked at cats on the internet, and today we went to the SPCA on a search for an adorable cat named Mama. And sure enough, we found her. And, oh, she was beautiful. She licked our noses and purred the second she saw us. We knew she was the one. And we re named her Rosie.
While the forms were being filled out and everyhing was getting sorted through, we spent time in the room Rosie was in. My sister was petting Rosie and paying attention to her, but my attention was drawn towards an ugly, evil looking, obese cat. He gave me what looked like an evil stare, but he was so loving. It was like he was saying, "yeah, I'm fat. But I love you." Well, I fell in love. My mom lied to me and said he'll get adopted- but he wouldnt. Because he is one fat and lazy cat, and his upper lip is funny looking. My mom started feeling bad for me, because I wanted him so bad. And before I knew it, I was crying because he was just SO FAT! So, my mom leaves the room, and comes back in a few minutes later and says: "We're walking out of here with two damn cats!"
Welcome to the family, Garfield and Rosie.

Journey to Neppin- Lesson#4

2010-05-29T22:07:00.001-07:00

{Dont worry}
Everythings been piling up all at once. School projects/finals, drama, the loss of a precious little girl, all the Alana problems- and mostly, when I'll get Neppin, how I'll get Neppin.. And will I get Neppin? My prayers have been filled with questions, my pillow soaked in my tears. The only thing thats kept me going is God, He's my everything when I feel like I have nothing. You know what He told me?
Dont worry.
Its so simple. Im sure, some things wont work out- but some will. Yes, it is important to be careful what you wish for, to be patient, and take time. But dont worry. If your a good person, everything will turn out fine. I see Neppin. I see the happiness. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. If I even got the chance in the first place to have that happiness, I must be a really amazing person.
"Dont worry about a thing
cause every little thing
is gonna be alright"

Yay!

2010-05-26T16:13:00.000-07:00

They grab the camera now.
They move too much.
They dont stay still when I'm trying to take a picture.
I guess they grew.
But I still love them. :)

Pray for Alana ♥

2010-05-23T13:42:00.000-07:00

My cousins, Karalina and Justina, have always been close to each other. They're sisters, they're both married. Justinas married to Jeremy, Karalinas married to Curtis. And both couples live in the same house. Karalana and Curtis live upstairs, Justina and Jeremy live downstairs.. and they share the main floor. Justina has the twins, Isabella and Cadence (who are nine months now). Its a REALLY happy house, every one is always smiling, making jokes.. even though taking care of those babies can be stressful. Well, its not only the twins now. Now, two month old Alana is involved.
Cutis never had a good home, but he's still an amazing guy. His mom and his sister, on the other hand, are not. They are both really messed up. The sister had a son two years ago, and because she did all these drugs when she was pregnant, the boy still cant walk or talk. He lives with the fathers parents; the little boys grandma nad grandpa. Now, Curtis' sister gave birth to another baby in March. Her name is Alana, and she was born addicted to cocaine. But, the sister had to go in jail the day Alana was born. So, Karalina and Curtis took her in. Its up to the government where she lives now. They dont even know who the father is, so they're searching for him, but chances are he's messed up too. The mom, or Curtis' sister, is in rehab but isnt getting better. Honestly, we dont want her to get better. Alana already thinks Karalina is her mummy, and Curtis is her daddy. They shouldnt have to give her up.
Its been about three months, and after fifteen months, all rights are taken away from the real parents- and then Karalina and Curtis can adopt her. I think its fate, because Karalina and Curtis have been trying for six years to get pregnant and they cant. God must have planned for them to be parents for Alana.
I know nobody reads this, but if anybody comes across this, please, PLEASE, pray for baby Alana to stay with our family. Its where she belongs, where she can live a normal life. Please, please, pray.

This Day One Year Ago.

2010-05-20T20:03:00.000-07:00

May 20th 2009:
1) To lose a best friend.
2) To be confirmed that Pippin is gone.
3) A day to cry.
4) The second worst day of my life.
Secret:
Itstillhurts.

Fourty One Days!

2010-05-19T15:34:00.000-07:00

YAY ITS HOT OUT!!! And Summer is in FOURTY ONE days!!!!!!!!! Oh, theres so many things to look forward too!! Hannah and Haley (OOH I WANNA HAVE A TEA PARTY WITH THEM), Camping, oooh I wanna buy some bubbles, oh, and polka dot dresses for me and Katherine to take pictures. OH I WANT A COLORFUL UMBRELLA TOO!! OOH, the twins are turning one, Ava will be turning seven, I'm going to BC with Hanna!! OH, PLUS IM GETTING A NEW KITTY!!
Summer 2009- worst. days. of. my. life.
Summer 2010- AMAZNIG! *I hope*
Okay, okay. So, heres some pictures from yesterday. My cat, my dog, and me.

Journey to Neppin- Lesson #3

2010-05-16T13:29:00.001-07:00

{Miricals happen}
In life, not many things live up to expectations. What we expect to be amazing, isnt amazing. It's just great. Pippin wasnt like that. Infact, Pippin was the opposite. When I expected something to be great, it was amazing. And then, I'd hope for Pippin to be as amazing as it once was... and then its so amazing it cant be put into words. It was so un expected, so surprising. And thats what I loved about it. I woke up every single morning excited to live because I didnt know what would happen that day. Because it was so un expected, so amazing, perfect. Because it was Pippin. And because anything could happen.
And it still can. Anything could happen. It could happen today, tomorrow, hell, I could have Neppin in an hour. Pippin was ALWAYS un expected, but life can something be un expected too. I just have to be patient. And strong. My time will come. Miracles DO happen. I could get Neppin.I could get it soon.
And Im excited for that day.

A Blast From the Past!

2010-05-11T20:11:00.000-07:00

I remember being little. I remember jumping on the couches, eating candy all the time, constantly talking, and always, always laughing. I was crazy. And annoying as hell. But I miss being happy all the time. I never, ever worried.
And thats why I love Danielle. Because she is all the things I was when I was nine. I never usually spend time with her, mostly because she's annoying, but on Saturday I realized so many things about her. I'm so thankful I have her. She's a little snippit from my past. And she is always, always happy.
I love her.

Band Camp ♥

2010-05-05T17:58:00.000-07:00

Its where a group of teenagers travel an hour away in the rain and snow (yes its snowing in May), to a lake where we play clarinets, saxaphones, or whatever. Its a place where we go zip lining and rock climbing, and share a room wth our friends for the night. It's a place where I play my clarinet, and every once and a while peek over at Yolanda- and hope, or weep, or feel whatever the hell it is I feel. Its a place where I run around in a gym with my friends and math teacher and play basket ball. Its a place where Carissa pretends to be a unicorn, and Joleen always wins in Bed Wars, and Katherine laughs at almost everything. Its a place where there is one real matress, and three gymnastic mats for beds. Its a place where all four of us sit up in the top bunk of Room 205 until three in the morning, talking about how we put our selves down, and the things we miss, and who we really are, and who we want to be. Its a place where we talk about the things we want to do before we die, and a place where I cried and told them how much I missed Pippin. Its a place where all four of us shared the one matress, and all held hands, and prayed to God that all the slutty singers like Brittney Spears and Paris Hilton would get their lives on track. And then we pray that Miley Cyrus wont end up like that (and then i saw her new music video when I got home and realized that all hope was probably lost for her)
Band Camp is a place where I felt like time could pause, and I could live in a moment forever. Because I was so happy. And I KNEW that everything would be okay.

April 2010

2010-05-02T13:00:00.000-07:00

I cant believe it was only the beginning of April that I asked God to start helping me learn things in order to get Neppin. It was only one month ago I started working again.. and I already feel like I'm so much closer. Of course, I have so far to go still. Last year, I learned more than I should learn at my age- and it was the hardest, darkest place, I've ever been. This time around is different. It's still hard, but I feel like I CAN do it. And it's not a dark place. I'm happy. And I'm thankful that a bunch of problems are being layed out in front of me. When I battle those, and learn from those, I'll be closer to Neppin. Closer to the happiest happy that I want so bad. I'm not going to give up. No way. Every second of every day, I'm getting closer to it. And every second of every day, I somehow always know that I'm going to get there. And it will stay there.

Highlights of the month
*San Diego.
* One Tree Hill :)

Goals:
* See the twins. ✔
* Finish unfinihsed projects. ✔
* Begin projects.

The picture of the month. Honestly, I didnt take an amazing one this month. But I did take a lot of really good ones. And of course I'm not a photographer, and of course no one reads this, so it doesnt need to be amazing anyway. It's simple and I love it.

10 Reasons Why.

2010-04-27T19:24:00.000-07:00

Last week, I wrote a list of Ten things Yolanda did to me that hurt. And, my God, all those things hurt so bad. She said "Oh" when I was diagnosed with depression. She told me she wanted to hang out with me, but was forced to be with her mom- then I saw her on the bus with another friend. But right now, in this moment, I cant be angry or upset about those things. I must have forgotten about this list..
1) She was so set on me getting Pippin back. Its almost like she KNEW I would.
2) One day, she looked at me with the proudest eyes, and told me that this day- with me and her- meant so much to her.
3) The day we were in my room, throwing raspberrys in the air and catching them in our mouths. The stains are still on my ceiling.
4) January 23rd 2009- when we went to the Secondhand Serenade concert. I glanced over at the main singer and started crying of joy. But before I looked at him, I looked at Yolanda. And her smile made me so happy.
5) The smiles we echanged when I picked her up in the middle of nowhere to take her camping.
6) She encouraged me to write. When nothing else could give me hope, I'd write for her.
7) When my cousin gave birth to twins, and Yolanda saw them.. Oh, I cant explain the look she gave to them. So pure.
8) She gave me so much advice.
9) She told people firmly, and proudly- "You cant do that. Its mine and RHIANNES thing."
10) We did things no other friends did together. That was probably the most unique friendship I'll ever be able to experiance.
And now its over.

{She edited that..)
Why is it so hard to let go when I'm the one who chose to leave?
I know she changed. And she continuously showed me reasons I should leave.
Is it crazy to think that with some time, she might change back into the person I love? The person I miss? The person I'm grieving over.